She also noted that they “did not sleep much,” and made sure to stress the fact that they spent the night “in one bed” (emphasis hers). It’s commonly thought by historians that Victoria was insatiable, to the extent that she ravaged poor Albert. At one point, she even had him install a mechanism that allowed them to lock their door from bed, so they wouldn’t be interrupted by their predictably numerous children. For his part, Albert couldn’t stop bragging to random dignitaries about how smashing his wife’s breasts were — and oh right, he had a dick piercing named after him. That’s gotta count for something.


Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

The royal horndogs were also in the habit of exchanging extravagant boobtastic paintings such as William Edward Frost’s “The Disarming Of Cupid” and Franz Xaver Winterhalter’s “Florinda” — the latter of which depicts a group of semi-nude female companions bathing. Oh, and to finish off, there’s this painting that Victoria commissioned for Prince Albert as a special birthday gift, which we’re going to go ahead and call the first sext.

Franz Xaver Winterhalter“OH MY GOD SAVE THE QUEEN”

1

Marilyn Monroe Was A Size 12 … But Only By 1950s Standards

Marilyn Monroe is one of the most influential figures in history, from the way that she redefined glamor and beauty, to the way in which she empowered women to post passive-aggressive (bullshit) quotes on social media, to the fact that she spent her entire career screaming to the world that it was OK to be a size 12 and not some skin-thin model.


Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Too bad she wasn’t a size 12. Not by today’s standards, anyway.

United ArtistsIt’s time to accept that maybe this woman was conventionally attractive.

It’s true that Monroe — with her hourglass measurements and all — was a size 12, and that she was once referred to as “too plump, but in a beautiful way” by some bitchy-ass company head. The problem with reducing her figure down to a clothing size, however, is that clothing sizes have changed a lot since the ’50s. In her day, sizes started at 8 and went all the way to 38. But in the 1980s, clothing manufacturers realized that this made no fucking sense and reclassified the system so that sizes started at 0. She was a 12 in that regard, but only because it was impossible by the sizing standards of the day to be her “true” size, a 6/8. Hell, when one writer tried a custom-made dress of Monroe’s, she found that the waist measured a paltry 28.5 inches. To an actual size 12 person, that counts as a torture device.

Monroe, it should also be mentioned, was also pretty motivated to stay as thin as possible because, and we don’t know if you know this, the past was awful to women. If she wanted to stay employed, she had to remain thin, and so alongside dieting, she also had a strict training regimen, which included weights. So no, Monroe wasn’t “heavy,” but she could still probably crush your ass.

Adam Wears is on Twitter and Facebook! He also has a newsletter about depressing history, but that’s only for the coolest kids.

We know it’s June but it’s Dolly Parton’s Christmas movies never really go out of season.

Support your favorite Cracked writers with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more, check out 8 Celebrities You Didn’t Know Were Geeks and 12 Celebrities Who Are Fans Of The Last Thing You’d Expect.

Follow us on Facebook. Because you deserve the very best.